Food Fetishists Thinking Long and Hard About GMOs (The Cucumber Vol. 2)

16 Jul

The Cucumber brings you Onion-style LGBT news in a more palatable, easy-to-swallow manner.

Food Fetishists Thinking Long and Hard About GMOs

Food fetishists nationwide are in hot debate over the use of genetically modified organisms (GMOs) as potential sex toys. While corn and soybeans comprise the vast majority of genetically modified domestic crops in the U.S., consumers are worried that the genetic modification trend will soon spread to the more phallic- and yonic-looking species of plants in the near future.

“I get so apprehensive when I go to the supermarket now,” said Virginia Olstein, a food fetishist and mother of three. “It’s almost impossible for me to tell the difference between organic and genetically modified produce. And it’s even harder for me to feel the difference, you know, down there,” she lamented in an interview at a local farmer’s market.

“Vegetables here are a little more expensive,” she added, clutching a bag full of yellow zucchini and daikon radishes. “But for the safety of my children, and of my vagina, it’s completely worth it.”

Olstein and shoppers like her have had growing concerns about the possible negative health effects that GM food might have on the body. While the controversy over the consumption of genetically modified foods has been longstanding ever since their introduction in the 1980s, the issue of whether or not to use them in bed is a new frontier with little research supporting or detracting from the idea. That uncertainty, mixed with the near ubiquity of genetic modification in some crops, has unnerved many conscientious consumers.

“It’s really quite frightening how many GMOs there are in the marketplace, on our dinner tables, and hidden at the bottom our nightstand drawers,” says author, devout Christian, and self-proclaimed food fetishist Darren McCraw. “As tempting and…tumescent…and sumptuous…err, I mean harmless, as they may look, no one knows what potential danger they might pose.”

McCraw argues that the needs and issues of food fetishists, or sitophiles, are marginalized and often ridiculed, which prompted him to write Sitophilia: A Food Fetishists Field Guide. In it, he discusses the ecological and ethical perils of using GM food for self-fulfillment.

“Tampering with the species that God put on this Earth is simply wrong,” writes McCraw, pontificating upon the moral repercussions of genetically modifying food in a chapter entitled “A Cucumber in His Image.”

He continues, “When I eat the body of Christ, I want that cracker to be made from organic wheat. When I drink His blood, I want the grapes that made that wine to be all natural. And when I’m balls-deep inside of a freshly carved pumpkin, I want to know that it was made according to God’s plan.”

As wary as some may be about the presence of GM sex toys in the market, big industries see it as a ripe opportunity to cater to a small but powerful demographic. Consumer reports show that sales of apples skyrocketed 45% after the 1999 release of the teen comedy American Pie; additionally, it revealed that sitophiles buy nearly 30% of all domestically grown corn, which is apparently prized for its natural “ribbed” texture.

“I really don’t see what the issue is here,” says Craig Burns, a spokesperson for Monsanto, the largest manufacturer of genetically modified seeds in the United States. “There is no scientific evidence to support the idea that GMOs are dangerous in any way. Plus, the sheer potential of genetically modifying plants for sexual pleasure is practically limitless.”

“Can you imagine a carrot this big?” added Burns, stretching his arms out as wide as he could. “I mean, I’m not a food fetishist myself, but I bet that a carrot this big could satisfy me in ways no average carrot ever could.”

Burns admitted that Monsanto’s stake in the agricultural business is mainly in less sexually-applicable foods, but also stated that the possibility of developing sitophilic fantasies like a human-shaped watermelon or a giant double-ended asparagus spear is very much real.

“Sleeker, more streamlined produce is really what the sitophile market is looking for,” he explains, “and developing more GM seeds is the first step toward achieving that goal.”

While Monsanto is largely based in the Midwest and California, the company hopes to eventually spread its seed all over America. And despite the complaints of anti-GMO activists, many sitophiles are good, giving, and game to the idea.

“Genetic modification is not just key to the future of eliminating hunger, but to the future of sitophilic expression as well,” says Dan Levine of, an online food fetishist support group. He believes that Monsanto’s work will kill two birds with one stone: ending world hunger while simultaneously gratifying the global food fetishist community.

According to Levine, in this way everyone wins. “It’s like we can have sex with our cake and eat it too.”


One Response to “Food Fetishists Thinking Long and Hard About GMOs (The Cucumber Vol. 2)”

  1. navah July 16, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    commenting on this from beyond the grave because this article killed me

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