AfterEllen’s “How to be a Gay Lady”

14 Jul

I’ve finally stopped laughing long enough to compose myself and blog about AfterEllen’s “How to be a Gay Lady: Manners for the Modern Lesbian.” These three lessons in lady-loving etiquette are tongue-in-cheek (and show that lesbians can be, in their own way, almost as sassy as our Sassy Gay Friend).

Lesson One, Why is everyone scowling at me? How to conduct oneself in a gay bar advises ladies to strike a pose and “lead with the hips.” Lesson Two speaks to the plight of our people: Who’s the boy and who’s the girl? How to politely defuse stupid questions from straight people. (How do two chicks, like, do it? Can I watch?)

Lesson Three offers, in my opinion, the best LGBT LOL. In How to come out to your friends and family, they enthusiastically suggest a mailing campaign! and even provide a form letter for your convenience.

I _____(your name here)____, take great pleasure in announcing that I am a _________(insert your currently most favoured sexuality label here – or limit your reason for rejecting such labels to a concise 700 words and staple it to the back)_____.

All letters of congratulations/flowers/gifts/monetary rewards for my courage and self-awareness will of course be gratefully accepted. Please direct any enquiries to my gay lady representative.

Yours gaily,

_____(Insert lipstick [or chapstick] kiss here)_____

Of course, there’s always the soapbox, the special occasion, and the ever-popular Subtle Approach.

Don’t make any announcement at all. Instead, shave your head/cultivate a fauxhawk, become a vegetarian, make mysteriously loaded references to your new “roommate,” actively bitch about how “annoying” men are, join a women’s sports team, move your L Word DVD collection to your living room bookshelf and wait for the announcement to be made for you. If this fails, it’s time to up the ante. Purchase a range of witty T-shirts, such as “No one knows I’m a lesbian” or “My girlfriend is a lesbian” and wear them on a daily basis until everyone around you yells “You’re a gay lady, we get it already!”

Check it out–and then, gay ladies, we’d love to hear how you deflect questions from frat guys and out-of-touch relatives, and your coming-out strategies of choice.


One Response to “AfterEllen’s “How to be a Gay Lady””

  1. closetcasemom January 9, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    Love your lighthearted approach to this intense topic — really gives me comfort and hope. Thanks, Ladies!

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