Everything’s Coming Out Roses

1 Jul

Things sort of just haphazardly came together this week for this post.

But first, a preface: I must embarrassingly admit that for a season or three in the beginning I watched the Bachelor/ette. Since then I’ve stopped, but my mother has (sadly) religiously devoted an hour of her life each week since 2002 to the series, completely invested in every rose ceremony and hot tub make out. Ew. Anyhoo, for those of you who don’t know, since the show’s start there have been fourteen bachelors and six bachelorettes total. That’s a lot of seasons for a show whose name probably would have most NYU kids wrinkle their noses. All of the participants, of course, were heterosexual.

Well, from time to time the show does make headlines, and this past week there was a biggie.  The last bachelor, Jake Pavelka, was accused of being gay, after he and his final rose selection reportedly went six months without any physical affection.  Also, he reportedly was seen getting intimate with a fellow male bachelor contestant at a gay bar in West Hollywood.

Now, granted all these reports and speculations are indeed coming from the always reliable resources that are Star and OK! Magazines, but in the end I really don’t care whether Jake is gay or not.

The bottom line is the Bachelor bubble has been punctured. The way I see it, the Bachelor series has always paraded itself as a fairy tale: everyone’s gorgeous and looking for the truest of love, there’s wooing and wining and dining, deep connections are constantly made, people always rolling “is she the one” or “he’s my prince charming” off their tongues. And don’t forget the roses.

And finally, it’s season finale always vies to be the same: flashing and flaunting the idea of marriage, so romanticized it’s too saccharine for even my sweet tooth.

Well, as we all know fairy tales don’t exist. And sure everything seems jolly good come season finale, but post production? Let’s have a statistical look at the Bachelor’s track record of successful couples: through 14 seasons of the Bachelor, 0 men have ended up with their selection. Yep, 0. (1 guy ended up eventually dating his second choice and is, I believe, still with her). Out of six seasons of the bachelorette, one has actually remained married (Trista Rehn) and the most recent -ette is still engaged to her pick, but should be given some more time to incubate. With a .05% success rate, (success being a committed marriage, or true love as the Bachelor premise promises) all in all, the Bachelor track record sucks.

Now, I won’t even delve into the matter regarding how all of the bachelor/ettes have been white. Where’s the racial diversity? The real world is a melting pot, and not just rich white people are looking for love. And guess what? Queer individuals want love too.

Well, questioning Jake Pavelka’s sexuality bursts the fantasy shield that exists on the bachelor, that everyone competing is completely straight, no ifs, ands, or buts. Could there have been a bisexual one season we didn’t know about? Sure. Or maybe there’s been a closet case under societal pressure? Probably. Wait, is Jake a closet case under societal pressure?

Now I’m not proposing a gay season of the bachelor. I can reasonably say that that will probably NEVER happen. Heck, at this point we couldn’t even flash the romantic marriage card in the season finale, and that’s just for legal reasons. (Will you accept this rose to be my domestic partner? Does that sound okay?)

But still, we can hope. And that brings me to the video I came across that really inspired this post. Meet Erin. She’s absolutely adorable and quite the sarcastic comic, and she wants a wife. By the end of the interview, I love Erin so much that I desperately want to make this happen.  (Hey romantic lesbian readers, this gal’s single and looking!)

Hopefully, one day people like Erin will get her wish. The Bachelor’s idealistic perspective on love has consistently proven a failure and we all know that queer couples are just as good and committed as any other. But somehow middle/conservative America keeps watching this silly show and keeps voting on our rights the wrong way.

Alas, I still wait for the day of the Gay Bachelor, and until then shall fill my time with reruns of Tila Tequila’s Shot At Love.  1 and 2.

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